Muscled up to go to the doctor and make wise decisions. It's exhausting. And yes, they're going to do a full hysterectomy - but "in case" I'm to know that despite using a Da Vinci robot (and the chance that all is well enough I can get out of hospital fairly quickly) they also reserve the right on the consent form to go in the old fashioned way in which case there are 4-5 days in hospital and up to 6 weeks of recovery). All this because they don't KNOW if there's cancer... for sure. So - just in case.
Then I got a call from the gyn in LaGrande nagging me to do it sooner than the Aug 11 date (because the letter from Dr. Munro expressed concerns).
I asked Dr M what difference it would make if the surgery were in early August rather than July and SHE picked the 11th date.
After the call from Dr K - who meant well but completely disrupted my emotional wall of safety (which is probably good, but I've got to function!) it was like throwing the worst case on the table... especially when she said "you should change your situation."
Dammit. How arrogant. HOW? I'm alone, I'm not at my best, and I made a good decision to accommodate rides, having my world and animals taken care of, places to stay - and especially to work on pre-surgery fitness.
I wrote a note and have a call in - to see how urgent this is - a question I could never get answered by either doctor because they DON'T KNOW! We'd talked about progesterone (an icky option) so I also asked if that was something to do in the interim if this gap is too long after all. She HAD said if I wanted to wait 6 months that would be the route to go - to diminish tissue growth.
Okay - so - I'm scared, I feel sorry for myself (no judgment right now, anyone not reading this! I've got enough of my own and what no one gets is that any flaw I identify would already be better if I knew how to make it so - and - I'm already working on it - and resting on accomplishments just for a bit motivates me, so don't go shooting it down!) I feel... afraid and vulnerable and unlovable and even hate the idea of losing that part of me. Will I not be female at all, then?
