brief notes - with such gratitude - after hakomi and soul discussions

Start with feeling… and pursue that… let the “tee up” go.

What is curiosity? Other than a thought? 

 Medical tidbit: Pursue… what I fear about alternatives. START with a Sei Mei e-mail.

Blocks and distractions and filters can be useful and they can stop growth.

Blink… (right now I’m in terrific “blink” state… can hardly think.)

Get acquainted with your soul. You don’t get out of this alive, so what do you want to get into it while you are?

(Resistance and fear there… and “so what?”)  Also I want two things at least – to be safe and to grow. Hinky territory. What can I do in gratitude here? Perhaps there is NO THING when I think that there should be.

Free associate. 

Gratitude - transaction NO! tears. block. fear. worhtless. worth more. wish... transcend... do anything. don NO thing... grieve. Be curious. Moe on.  fear. be the best I can be - the part even I don't know. Give. Give away. Share. Peace. Loving despite. Loving because things are the way they are. I like that. I'm afraid. So what? I'm good a that. How can I be what most I'm meant to be? I think it invloves others. I think there are right things to do. I think acceptance is hard. for me. blessed. no kidding. then what? good enough? silly. but so blessed. Where does this start? stop? start? nowhere. give love...

no I won't

Saw a brief bit about people telling you how to be better (whether they do or don't have permission). Rather than let it go in, "No, I won't" actually works. This is in context with being told how hard things are, but works if someone (including yourself) can not find enoughness in you too.

more hakomi suggestions including applying awareness wheel.

If... it's more "hakomi experience..." you are looking for
  ask yourself  "what it is you are looking for..."
    and capture what bubbles up...
       then go back and ask yourself, again . . .


to love, be loved, operate from a loving heart... to be well and happy and kind - to be love, to be loving.

I dig out my Grace Unfolding, every so often...
  and just let it fall open, where it wants to . . .
     and appreciate what comes up . . .

Apply awareness wheel...

And...  perhaps, as you "wheel yourself around..."

 

  you might notice that even as fast as you transit to "feeling..."

     you have already completed "judgement/thinking" about it

A more deliberated approach... with "noticing, thinking, feeling, wanting and doing..."

  might yield both insight and inspiration . .

small crash

I was looking forward to something and... I think I missed it. There wasn't a time set specifically and I've called and written to see if I could get it back on track. But I missed... and it uncovered a big box of depression (anger turned inward). I feel like such a failure - in getting pre-cancer, in alienating people I care about, in being so alone.  Such a small stimulus for such a big reaction. I knew it was down in there. I feel so alone and NOT in a good way right now.

This is not good for taking on pre-cancer/surgery.

how to stay in a good mood article (emo-do)

http://www.oprah.com/spirit/How-to-Stay-in-a-Good-Mood-Martha-Beck


"No matter how well prepared you are, an emotional mugger may still catch you before you can defend yourself. In the short run, you'll feel violated. In the long run, you can use the experience to become a stronger emo-do practitioner.

To start, dispense with any lingering nasty energy by recognizing that it probably belongs to the mugger, not you. If the negativity won't dissipate, there are two possibilities: Either you really did provoke the attack, or you're operating under the misconception that you deserved it.

Return immediately to basic emo-do code: Stop causing suffering for yourself by thinking you deserved victimization; correct any behaviors that might have triggered the mugging; and, finally, forgive yourself for the whole misadventure.

The way of emo-do is rigorous—and hugely rewarding. The more you follow it, the more muggers will avoid you. Instead of a target, you'll become a walking haven, a place where emotional criminals rarely strike—and if they do, are swiftly rendered harmless. Plan to welcome many of us to walk with you, because that's just the kind of neighborhood where most people want to live. " quote from Beck article.

explorations in sting-y foods (and other stuff)

Sunset has a recipe for nettle pizza. http://www.myrecipes.com/recipe/nettle-pizza-50400000112909/ - I know I have to try this at some point.

I also now have all the stuff to make the acorn bread. It does have flour but also includes a dose of corn meal and mashed potatoes with the acorn meal. We'll see how that goes - it's a yeast bread... it actually is supposed to rise. Just need to find a consistent warm spot - which probably doesn't mean allowing Neko to curl up on it.

antioxidant treat for the day

1/4 c almonds
1/2 tsp ginger
1 thb dark cocoa powder
2 thb powdered sugar
2 thb water

Heat, turn out on a plate, let cool a bit. Quite fire-y and good... and the chocolate ginger coating is not sweet but is rather tasty. (You can also do this in a microwave in about 10 seconds if you'd rather not use a frying pan.)

unsettled or mad as hell

Muscled up to go to the doctor and make wise decisions. It's exhausting. And yes, they're going to do a full hysterectomy - but "in case" I'm to know that despite using a Da Vinci robot (and the chance that all is well enough I can get out of hospital fairly quickly) they also reserve the right on the consent form to go in the old fashioned way in which case there are 4-5 days in hospital and up to 6 weeks of recovery). All this because they don't KNOW if there's cancer... for sure. So - just in case.

Then I got a call from the gyn in LaGrande nagging me to do it sooner than the Aug 11 date (because the letter from Dr. Munro expressed concerns).

I asked Dr M what difference it would make if the surgery were in early August rather than July and SHE picked the 11th date.

After the call from Dr K - who meant well but completely disrupted my emotional wall of safety (which is probably good, but I've got to function!) it was like throwing the worst case on the table... especially when she said "you should change your situation."

Dammit. How arrogant. HOW? I'm alone, I'm not at my best, and I made a good decision to accommodate rides, having my world and animals taken care of, places to stay - and especially to work on pre-surgery fitness.

I wrote a note and have a call in - to see how urgent this is - a question I could never get answered by either doctor because they DON'T KNOW!  We'd talked about progesterone (an icky option) so I also asked if that was something to do in the interim if this gap is too long after all. She HAD said if I wanted to wait 6 months that would be the route to go - to diminish tissue growth.

Okay - so - I'm scared, I feel sorry for myself (no judgment right now, anyone not reading this! I've got enough of my own and what no one gets is that any flaw I identify would already be better if I knew how to make it so - and - I'm already working on it - and resting on accomplishments just for a bit motivates me, so don't go shooting it down!) I feel... afraid and vulnerable and unlovable and even hate the idea of losing that part of me. Will I not be female at all, then?

if wishes were horses then horseshoes would be all over the place

I see improvements with the new diet and practices. I'm not sure they will be enough to fix the situation. But I plan to ask if I have leeway to do more work before the surgery. I may or may not. Nonetheless what I'm doing I will keep doing.

Treat of the day - Terra Chips (blue potato, carrot, kabocha squash) - yes, salt and some fat but less than some and vegetable content.

acorn meal recipes

http://siouxme.com/acorn.html - some recipes from Maverick publications in Bend.

Acorn Bread

• 6 Tbl. cornmeal
  
• 1/2 C cold water
  
• 1 C boiling water
  
• 1 tsp sale
  
• 1 Tbl butter
  
• 1 pkg active dry yeast
  
• 1/4 C lukewarm water
  
• 1 C mashed potatoes
  
• 2 C all-purpose flour
  
• 2 C finely ground leached acorn meal

Mix cornmeal with cold water, add boiling water and cook 2 minutes, stirring constantly. Add sale and butter and cool to lukewarm. Soften yeast in lukewarm water. Add remaining ingredients to corn mixture, along with yeast. Knead to a stiff dough. Dough will be sticky. Cover and let rise in warm place until doubled in bulk. Punch down, shape into two loaves, cover and let rise until doubled in bulk. Bake at 375 degrees F for 45 minutes.

Acorn Griddle Cakes

• 2/3 C finely ground leached acorn meal
  
• 1/3 C unbleached flour
  
• 1 tsp. baking powder
  
• 1/3 tsp. salt
  
• 1 Tbl honey
  
• 1 egg, beaten
  
• 3/4 C milk
  
• 3 Tbl melted butter
  

Combine dry ingredients. Mix together egg and milk, then beat into dry ingredients, forming a smooth batter. Add butter. Drop batter onto hot, greased griddle. Bake, turning each cake when it is browned on underside and puffed and slightly set on top. Makes 12 to 15.

Also: some nettle cookery suggestions:  http://www.siennese.com/~prentice/recipes/nettles.php

my plant nursery, my fabulous inspirations

http://nicholsgardennursery.wordpress.com/

if it's not a fact, what am I?

"Emotions and memories are useful in that they are a path to the rules. When the rules are in consciousness as statements, they have reached the status of facts and, as facts, they can be challenged. Often, it is quite clear that they do not stand as facts. They are clearly over generalized, inaccurate, and unrealistic... They can be thought about, challenged and tested..." ~RK

Have asked for an exercise.

Essential to get rolling on exercises, Sedona, and yoga this very afternoon.

deep secrets and qualifying for dramatics?

     "Thank you for the opportunity to review this case. We agree with the referring pathologist's diagnosis. The endometrial biopsy demonstrates small scattered areas complex, crowded glandular architecture, in a background of metaplasia. A majority of the glands do not reveal significant nuclear atypia; however, there is a small focus of nuclear atypia in an area with no definite tubal metaplasia, consistent with a focus of complex atypical hyperplasia..." from two more pathologists looking at my deepest secrets.

You're welcome. That sounds like a dish at a hot restaurant.

Now - what the heck does that mean? Does it mean I don't get to do drama about it or does it mean I have license to do so? Am I supposed to be saintly here?

The Blue Cross advice line nurse had trouble translating and is having someone do research to explain the language. She also gave me this number for the endometriosis association: 800-992-3636 - a hot line.

What I do know is - I'd rather be doing something else. What is that? Shoot, I'm not sure I can have that.

Acorn and nettles data

                                                                       Above is for acorns.

Below for nettles.

                                  

anti-inflammatory foods

Now that I actually see a change - I'm much more open to doing things right. Here's a list of anti-inflamatory foods to work into diet.  Yup, them sugars and fats aren't so helpful.

http://www.metabolismadvice.com/anti_inflammatory_food/

But I'm ready to shop for a few more items now.

another day

Question from the list: "Why do I like {cupcakes} more than I like {people}?" Chosen mostly for being different from some of the others I've used, but it has implications - eating the old style, hiding out, resisting... you name it.

Actually - I don't like __ more than I like having a life, being loved, having adventures. It's more that I am afraid that I don't deserve it, that if I'm just punished enough I'll be good enough to be okay.

Convoluted. No wonder we're looking at precancer.

Perhaps I'll add in "Am I doing what makes me happy?" again, too. That can be hard. Right now... this blog helps, but I'm not feeling happy.


Lots to do. Think I'll take my camera with me today. Also... that yoga exercise for body sensations/emotions would be good. And I haven't listened to my Sedona tapes for a day or two. I'll start one right now.  Reminder - bad news and comments are poison to the well... I can see I'm back in that pattern again. So... stop reading them. Read a book. Get out!

quick observation

Skin tabs around eyes are shrinking... since I began all this. Definite difference. Also the inflamation around my Achilles tendon (left ankle) is smaller.

dichloracetate

You can access the original research for this cancer here. Metabolic approach. Not much tested for this... but posting for record.www.nature.com/news/2010/100512/full/news.2010.236.html additional article.

taking a message

Question for the day - "What is my body telling me?"

Not happy things. I want to stuff those feelings away. I feel so isolated - even if it isn't true. I want comfort.

"Do something about being so depressed." That's one message. But I'm afraid. That situation does tend to lead to overeating and under-self-caring. But there's so much angry energy right now. And so much fear.

No wonder I didn't listen to it much. So I'll do the yoga exercise about IDing the problem and burning it out. It does help.

And I will find someone to talk to.

Follow on... I did, it helped, and I was able to stay focused on being the person I would like to be more often than not.

retooled meals

• Recent retooled breakfast: Baked yam with peanut butter and sesame oil.
  
  
• Also: Made: nettle/acorn pesto today - most recipes are heavy on cheese (and salt). This one is nettles, acorn meal, a bit of garlic powder and turmeric and olive oil. First sample is delicious.
  
  
• Also: Nettle pesto/chicken breast, home sprouted lentils, baked potatoes - a bit of sesame oil. Yum.
  
  
• Also: Steamed dish: Frozen cruciferae, baked yams, left over lentils and pesto, trace of sesame oil... bit more garlic and turmeric.
  
  
  

small think

Today is a great opportunity to address "small think."

I had an unexpected charge on my cc. I wanted to do drama about it and indeed started to. Thank goodness the customer service line doesn't open til Monday!

I checked with the card to see that it was indeed billed, and had time to consider whether that isn't working out okay and indeed as I wanted it to. (I think I set this up myself, now that I've had time.) And I didn't whine to the usual suspects. I can be nice when I call tomorrow to change the order and I can be pleased that though I did "drama" at first - and this still seems like a drama day - that I chose differently. It's very uncomfortable. I guess I'm afraid if I don't do it I will be without effect in the world. That's not true, just habit.

I also took my 10 super foods list and posted them to my Spark weight mgt account "notes". I'm trying to integrate them into my diet and you know, that helps to track them. Yesterday I bought some frozen brassica (broccoli and similar) mix - maybe today I'll stir fry some lentil sprouts, chicken, brassica, potatos or yams together and use my nettle pesto.

Thinking my next grocery purchase may be some flaxseed meal and small amount of nuts (don't want to trigger eating too many of them at once - like that oat cereal did.)

Back on track...... it's a lonely day so far, I'm feeling really isolated, whether it is true or not.

resource

Cancer Lifeline provides free emotional support and counseling over the telephone and in person at our Green Lake office.   206-832-1280.

Question o day

"What potential memories am I bartering, and is the profit worth the price? ...  Every time you choose social acceptance over your heart's desires, or financial gain over ethics, or your comfort zone over the adventure you were born to experience, you're making a similar deal. Don't." Beck article.

For today. Example - sitting in front of computer barters human connection - which I fear because it hurts so much when I don't do it well... but feels good when done right. Likewise... hanging onto old stuff is a stuck maker."

Noted.

resources and "ten foods"

Yesterday in Baker City I picked up the Cancer Lifeline Cookbook published in about 2004.
Note that they had a 24 hour line to talk to a "trained volunteer" - 206-297-2500 or 1800-255-5505, website www.cancerlifeline.org.

I wanted to post the 10 "super foods" as a way of reminding myself to pay attention to this.

1. broccoli, cabbage, cauliflower, cruciferae plants.
2. beans including soybeans
3. berries and cherries
4. onions, garlic, chives, allium plants.
5. deep orange yellow, red, green veg)
6. fish
7. tomatoes
8. mushrooms
9. nuts/seeds/flaxseed
10. green tea.

On my way - my shopping IS changing.


It's interesting - I still am not eating right all the time or enough of it, but foods with fats and sugars are beginning to repel me afterward... I don't feel right afterward. I hope this is part of a trend.

For example, I bought an oat based cereal the other day and - did over-consume it - but even it has so much sugar I was able to get rid of the remainder rather than eat it. That helps.

More recommendations for "detox" type considerations.

1. Leafy green vegetables.
2. Lemons.
3. Watercress.
4. Garlic.
5. Green tea.
6. Broccoli sprouts.
7. Sesame seeds.
8. Cabbage.
9. Psyllium.
10. Fruits, fruits, fruits.

huff, puff

When you start exercising, sometimes things are sore. I find exercising being different in my relationship to the world and health and people a lot like that.

Either/or is very hard to hold in my mind right now. Still it's the unexercised way of being and to be expected that it's challenging.

Since no one is following this blog I guess I can admit how unlovable my behaviors have been. But that's not the current moment, that doesn't have to live here now.

I am so lucky in the folks who have stuck by me, or who have waited for me to get my head out of the sand.

Enjoying the bike and greenhouse at last, plotting giving. Now I don't remember if I've put my "giving practice" page on here, so I will - www.29gifts.org.

my big fat successful day

Blogger was down and I was tired yesterday after a long day with people in meetings and on the road. In past I used to have a problem with – all these wants. I use the phrase I used to have a problem with to remind me about the present moment and not carrying crap into it.

Over and over yesterday I made different decisions – decisions about where to put my attention, being interested, listening. And I messed up some times too. I was torn between hating myself for the mistakes and wanting to pat myself on the back for the – let’s see, at least a couple dozen and probably twice that – number of course corrections I made. Neither is probably appropriate, both/and are true.

I felt really overwhelmed yesterday, and I experience d people differently – in good ways and in ways that I felt ashamed around.Such a big journey, and such a temptation to give it up last night.  Woke this morning dreaming repetitive dreams about –something – not unpleasant, just repetitive. Got up quickly, changed breathing… and on with the day.  Got some good nutrition and cancer attitude support books.
 

Chocolate get together this morning. Didn't discuss hakomi directly. It seemed like just spending time relatively quietly (compared to sometimes) was the way to go.
 

Biking. Got a gorgeous jar of nettles. He is most kind to me. I don't really deserve this but I am grateful for it. Confessing that I have been so self centered is true but it's done now. "Be interested rather than interesting." Oh... and got feedback that it worked.

Time to run the Sedona tapes I think. And... I am a very fortunate person.

And... positive response is happening.

20 questions

http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Martha-Becks-20-Questions-That-Could-Change-Your-Life_1/2 - Beck article on 20 questions every woman should ask herself. Think it would work for guys too.

My favorite for today is "Are my thoughts hurting or healing? Your situation may endanger your life and limbs, but only your thoughts can endanger your happiness. Telling yourself a miserable mental story about your circumstances creates suffering. Telling yourself a more positive and grateful story, studies show, increases happiness. Wherever you are, whatever you're doing, choose thoughts that knit your heart together, rather than tear it apart."

Perhaps there will be a different favorite tomorrow... in fact "am I doing what I want to be doing?" already has me itchy. Out to the greenhouse I go with my green tea.

then what?

The article on both/and is stirring things up. And that's useful.

I am in fact needy. I am also loving and capable of giving just to give. That hurts to see the former, and the latter "should" feel good but is eclipsed. Good ol' dichotomy and judging. Today I see it and honor the recognition part. I have always "seen" and committed to dealing, though that is very very fragile and can be sideswiped by criticism. Well, the criticism may be deserved. Then what? So what?

As suggested - mood documentation: A.M. Woke anxious and slightly sore, so rose quickly. This helps. Really want to get out. So... I will, for a bit. And that was good. PM - very anxious and withdrawally. Used food to compensate.  Sigh.

both/and

What if it’s not either/or? What if it’s both/and – a more powerful way to see possibilities and to exist "in continuous creative response to whatever [is] present"—in their love lives, their careers, their definition of self. (Notes from a Beck article)
 

Set boundaries that correspond to the worst of times.When times are good, establish limits that prepare you to deal with the relationship when times are bad. This is how you'll keep from being blindsided by something that—hello—you've already learned. Make a different choice if need be.

 Focus your appreciation on the best of times, without denial. It allows us to access the happiness that's available right now.
 

Remain calm while you explore your options. That phrase—"right now"— is important. When you're dealing with a dual-emma, focus on being fully present with what's happening in this moment, rather than assuming past bad (or good) behavior predicts future consistency. This means alternating freely between the two previous steps. You don't want to spend your life anticipating your boss's next meltdown; neither do you want to assume that his jovial, charming behavior will last through the week. As you explore the scope of the other person's actions, you'll learn whether you can accept this particular mixed IV drip (of essential fluids and poisons.)

Try seeing your world and yourself this way, eyes open to whatever is before you, mind free of dichotomies. Are you good or bad, fragile or tough, wise or foolish? Yes. And so am I.

logging for integrative medicine approach...

I've got some on-line dietary log info I've been using so I can link that in as was suggested today. It's at www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/nutrition.asp  

I've noticed that the quality of diet - though not perfect - has transformed immensely since starting to work with alternative approaches after that 4/14 dinner at Calderas and starting the fucoyden, green tea, nettles and other changes.

It will be easy to add state of mind notes as suggested: So let's start the practice: AM: Work suddenly. I've learned to get up quickly if I am very anxious or sore when I wake up - that seems to ease things. So I did.  Mood related activities - tapes, yoga, exercise, but "no chocolate" because the Antioxident Shop was closed. PM - Anxious - that much tea I believe is revving the system.

freer to be happy about all this

At www.ohsu.edu/xd/health/services/women/community-outreach/classes/cancer-related-classes.cfm there's a link to "yoga for women with cancer page" - at www.ohsu.edu/xd/health/services/women/community-outreach/classes/cancer-related-classes.cfm#yoga

I may be jumping the gun (officially it's precancerous but I'm coming in May 20 for a consultation about what to do - with hysterectomy high on the list) - still, the class sounds wonderful. As I live a long way away, I have written to the organizer of the free class to see if I could get a recommended book or CD to have on hand.

I currently am using a "Yoga Gets Better With Age" book that involves a bit of counter stretching and has many useful tips and restful strategies - but I'm particularly curious about what I can do before, while in hospital (hey, there's always something, even if it's visualization!) and after when the time comes.

Note... have also contacted them about the nutrition class (seems to be 09 listing) and noted the "living well with cancer" class (tba).(Suggestion - local opportunity?)

I am freer to be happy about my options. yay.

inspired to seek integrative approaches...

http://www.ohsu.edu/xd/health/services/women/services/gynecology-and-obstetrics/services/midlife-menopause/alternatives-to-hysterectom.cfm  is part of the integrative medicine section of OHSU. I'm thrilled.

http://www.ohsu.edu/xd/health/services/women/about-us/contact-us/index.cfm

Still need to seek naturopathic support (as I'm resisting that - true confession - now we do something about it) but this is an angled step forward. That's the very next thing I do today, along with finding more info about the Doctors referenced in the previous article and their clinics.

Gratitude to those who are providing help and inspiration. K

discussion - how to work with docs

"For individuals battling a chronic disease, Dr. Paul Reilly, a naturopathic oncologist and director of naturopathic medicine at the Seattle Cancer Treatment and Wellness Center, and Dr. Dan Ostermiller at the Integrative Medicine Clinic at St. Luke’s Hospital in McCall, Idaho, recommend six servings a day, two hours apart. It is advised to consult with a doctor if an individual is taking prescribed medications.." LaGrande Observer article about Sei Mei.

I checked on line and didn't learn a lot at the St. Luke site, but here's Dr. Reilly's site - and it appears that a form of chemo or surgery supplemented with the natural support/counseling/growth strategies is a strong point. I can at minimum do that - and who knows what courage I can learn? http://www.cancercenter.com/uterine-cancer.cfm is their site.

Discussion re: how to talk to the traditional docs: reframe my approach from what it is to ""I am looking for someone who is willing to work with me. I have much experience with traditional medicine and am looking for ways to integrate other approaches."


Considerations - Time? (Time to monitor as I work on the other things I'm incorporating?) - not either/or.


Evolving practice - teas, fucoydon, natural foods like nettles and raspberry leaves, supplements, journaling, yoga, exercise in service to health.


Tasks... learn more... release fear, stay open.

all the time in the world

When stressed - approach tasks as if you have all the time in the world.


Sometimes I go soooo fast. Not helping.

an exercise to release bad feelings

My yoga book suggests finding the feeling in your body, naming it, cupping it in your hands and releasing it above your head to an imaginary fire - then noticing the sweet space left behind. It does work.

Today I wanted to stuff food to deal with feelings... especially toward the end of the day. That's a pattern. Once the amount gets "over" healthy - then it doesn't seem to want to continue. I'm sure there's a lesson here.

However I also had a couple hours walking (10-11 k) and 1.5 hours yoga today... plus some time with the meditation tapes... so... we'll see how that works out.

For now... enough. Namaste world; Namaste me.

Sedona and Yoga bits

Have been doing Sedona style releasing and yoga and walking type exercises today. A bit numb. That may be great news!

Also... a practice for now - to avoid the "comments" on on-line articles for the time being. Sometimes they are informative or compassionate... but mostly not. And there's a suckiness to them that brings me right into those negative mindsets, even when I agree.

So... a fast from that kind of poisonous mind candy for a few weeks - instead, substituting more reputable news stories (but not the snarling commentary part).

extracises

I haven't done more than mention that a friend is sharing hakomi exercises. I have tried reading but somehow the person to person sharing, one exercise at a time - makes for more change. Nonetheless, a link for the record: https://www.facebook.com/RonKurtzHakomi

What we've played with so far includes "getting out of your own way and experiencing people" and getting a body-sense of their story (powerful), noticing where resistances and emotions are, and hearing that the things I most fear (okay - that's rejection and negative judging and being seen to want approval - thinking that's bad) are common and the process is awkward. Yeppers.

hold in mind what you do want...

Hold in mind what you do want, not what you don't want.  Feels wonderful.

focus

I seem to be good at focusing on details. Very well... let's use that... to stay on a program of supplements and exercise and yoga and meditation and hakomi exercises.  The urgency of dealing with possible cancer and surgery seems to be a sufficient jolt.

 And... well, we'll start where we are, I suppose.

So... Another suggestion: What I want is not a goal or an attainment (despite the conviction that it is.) "Most of us miss this because we are waiting for circumstances to change so we have an excuse ... to love or be loving. Why wait? "...Allow yourself to explore any feeling or experience with an open mind and heart... you will discover that at its core there is only love."

Qs

Can I find the love in these circumstances?

Can I allow myself to experience the love that is here, now?

... look at what is ACTUALLY here now and let what is reveal itself...

Report today - on task, got some yoga in which is sooo helpful... applying the suggested questions to this sudden access of grief/fear: Circumstances? Yes. I love life and the people and places in it. Imperfectly, yes. For this moment I'm opening the gates anyway. (Overwhelming.) Here/now? Yes, softer. Reveal? (Feel some guilt for past. And that is a memory...)

Off to make green tea and perhaps some nettle pesto?

restoration...

Suggetion: In this moment, resolve that you'll find ways to reclaim the essence of anything you can't stop grieving.

a lovely way to lose the burden!

today, good headway with tea and exercise... and practices. All I need now is even a bit of yoga to feel much more peaceful... so... I will.

tea is working...

So the recommended amount of green tea is 10 cups (6 oz) a day.
I'm easily doing that.  I got the impression it would be hard; it's not.

resistance

Focus for today is resistance - the exercise at hand is:

1 Could ___ allow his/her self to remember any and all resistance?
2 Could you welcome that resistance?
3 Could you welcome any sense that resistance is personal - about you or the "other"?
4 Could you allow that resistance to dissolve into the love that you are as best you can?
5 Could you rest as the love that you are that is already and always resistance free?

Also

1 Could ___ welcome his/her whole history?
2 Could ___ welcome all wanting to edit, fix or change his her/history or story of love?
3 Could ___ welcome any sense that this history or story is personal belongs to or is about him/her?
4 Could you rest as that which needs no history to be and let the love that you are shine?

Wanting Love or Approval

1 Could __ welcome all his/her wanting love or approval?
2 Could __ welcome any sense that he/she can give or receive love or approval - any sense that wanting approval is personal?
3 Could __ change that wanting approval to love?
4 Could you rest as the love that allows for giving and receiving yet requires neither to be?

creativity supports joy

There are a ton of ways to be creative. Mine is mainly playing with words or dance. So for your delectation, an ode to - milk.  (Who says you can't play with your food???) Off to dance around the living room.

Ode to Milk

sloshing
with butterfats
whole, part, skim -

there’s a hole in the fence! is your cow unpasteurized?

how would I be...

The question of the day from my tapes collection is "how would I act if I truly loved this person" - and then to be best of my skill, applying it - not because someone is loved or lovable, but "because they are the way they are and I am the way I am."

This I have been doing and I find it's tiring to open like that all day long. Maybe it's actually more tiring to keep closing down - which requires re-opening. I do think there's an emotional piece that can make illness worse.

 It doesn't matter if that's right.

When I am successful at turning my attitude in this direction I experience two things - what it's like to be the way I most would like to be... and the shortfall from doing it "perfectly." And perfect is a mind trap - and also hard to let go of, even though I know how far from it I have been.


Well, let that go for now. It kinda hurts, when what's true is that using this suggestion all day today is like putting drops of aloe on a sunburn. Healing begins.

Well - here's today's nettle cookery -

I started out with trying to combine crushed dried nettles with a bit of whole grain flour and spices (1/4 tsp each turmeric, chili flakes and pinch kosher salt) to coat a piece of chicken. Really good (and I do taste the slightest amount of nettle bite - but it's tasty!)

What I learned is that this stuff could make a delicious pesto... a little oil (sesame or olive?) and a few nut crumbs (perhaps my acorn flour!) - in fact, I like the flavor as well as basil.

okay this once...

This once I will admit that the way I'm living is very hard.

I second guess my value and seek solace where there is none. Yes... I'm all those things I fear. And - what I most want is to love, be loved, and operate from a loving heart. That's still true. It's even more real than it has been. But never enough, it seems. And I'm tired of feeling worthy of contempt.

This is a day for releasing and exercises of all stripes.

tea

Went to the Sei Mei website to check out the Fukushima concerns and to find recipes. There are some good - even rich - ones.

https://www.groundgreentea.com/recipe_collection.htm and in particular this one with pears  https://www.groundgreentea.com/lemon-ginger-pears-poached-in-green-tea.htm.

Made a gigantic (about 200 oz) "sun tea" container full of strong cold green tea and have it where I can raid it any time I want.

Happy to report that I have lost 11 pounds. It's not in the two days I've been doing this blog, but some of the most recent changes correspond to going dancing - which is such a happy thing for me - and taking the fucoyden and working on the hakomi exercises, the sedona exercises, and the YOGA exercises.

I remind myself when purchase time comes not to be cheap.

lives change - the adventure starts in medias res

This blog is tracking the adventure of learning courage to live, think, love, accept and learn some more as I deal with a recent diagnosis of precancerous tissue and the strong recommendation that the hyperplasia with atypia - which has a 30% chance of becoming cancer... (deep breath).

Likewise, a 70% chance of not.

I found the process of getting tests and feedback scary, and in defense numbed a lot.

Shoot. That's not new.

I've been talking to nurses and friends and friends of friends who have beaten cancer. I find the ideas of alternatives enticing - but failure frightening.

Fear is useful but not as a chronic disease.

So we start where we are.


Today I received some dried nettles from a friend which I put into scrambled eggs as follows:

1 fresh large locally grown brown egg
1/4 cup whole milk
1 thb sesame oil
spices: turmeric and lemon pepper
and: 3 thb home sprouted lentils and 2 thb dried nettles.

delicious. and... here are some things it helps. www.herballegacy.com/Vance_Medicinal.html

Yes, I read it quickly. but "pelvic decongestant" - used for fibroids (some of which I apparently have as well -or so I finally understand), and the iron and vitamin c aspects are things my "small brain" can appreciate.

My big brain (aka spirit or heart or something of that sort) just needs to open and stay there.

Other things: The Chocolate Hakomi lesson of the day was slowing down and also playing with the resistance I don't (want) to admit to. (More fear. More confrontation of the unwillingness to be uncool even though it's frankly too late for THAT!)

The Sedona work was around letting go of control issues.

The yoga was around resistance of the gentle sort... back and forth.

And I bought the Sei Mei tea and am incorporating it into part of my eight glasses of fresh water a day routine.


Namaste, the world. Namaste (me?)