I was so rattled I basically forgot to get the location from N. Called back to do so. Working on giving myself permission to go over the evening before. Okay, self, you have permission. And... it is unwise to ask X for a ride, just go over yourself at least part way after C's celebration.
There.
Okay. This is a not so good day. I don't feel good and the "good helpful diet" slipped the last couple days. Back in the saddle, sorta. But... not very well.
This is a very familiar emotional state. Awareness wheel and hakomi --
feeling
sad. angry! despair.
2) distracted
want some nurturing and attention, to be safe, to feel safe, not to have to work at all this, not to be ashamed of my feelings which I would be if anyone I cared about knew. I want to avoid lots of negative things that can happen or get said by people who frequently do or say those things. judging my feelings of shame are supposed to help me drop it or maybe just make the judger free to stand clearer... I don't know. but that hurts.
thinking
stuck again! Is it permanent?
I am so unlovable like this. Or...
any time. I made myself do some
things today and I still feel.... bad.
2 hopeless. alone.
perceive
hot, anxious, weakness,
sore belly, tight throat, tears
2 tension. tears. itchy.
3 I feel so one-down in those cases. So why the heck am I there? It's something about deserving to be if I can make difficult people accept me the way I want to be accepted. Which I'm freakin ashamed of. Ta. Da.
Do
Ask anyway. Find someone else to go with. Go alone, leaving early to get a place to stay. Meet C, J, etc. Or at least ask. Ask K.
